Circus, new business and rescue at sea

da YOOPER TIMES #171
GLADSTONE – Da U.P. Circus was in town this past week and attendance was down according to its organizers. They figure most people here took da tents, clowns, jackass go-round, bearded lady, beer dunk tank and da horse poop smell as da annual Flakkenenen Family Reunion, so they didn’t bother to come. Too bad, too, because the circus had all that plus a whole new line-up of attractions to enjoy. Here’s just a small list of what you apparently mistook for a reunion: a Dancing Club Sandwich (see photo), a half human/half elk/half fish mathematician,  da world’s second and only female chain saw juggler (R.I.P. #1 Melissa Tervella), Spike Osler, da fire breathing kayaker; a man-eating Walleye and da talented Hunty da Clown who tied balloon revolvers for all da happy, little nose miners. Try not to miss it next year! Good times, yah!

Jay Foreland lost 2 pounds on da popular 8-Point Bar & Grill Diet Plan. Oddly that is exactly how much his spleen weighs… weighed.

Been out in da woods lately? Can’t see your backside very well? Worry no more, because there is a new business in town that specializes in tick removal! Weezer’s Tweezers has opened up shop at da parts counter of da former Chrysler dealer. Joey Murto, da owner, says “just come in, step behind da phony office topiary and drop trou, Weezer’s will take things from there.” $10 for da average “survey” and if you’re huge like Leona Fulks then it’s $20….and up. Add $2 per deer tick removed and $5 each for wood ticks. That’s all! You’re in and out in as little as 20 minutes! Look for coupons on da bulletin board at da bait shop. We offer group discounts! 906-555-9090

Da Coast Guard rescued da 9th tourist kayaker(?) from da lake yesterday and, just like da first 8, this one didn’t think a simple kayak full of Busch Light and ice would impede his craft’s floating performance. Well, tell that to da captain of da cruise boat who witnessed da victim frantically drinking his payload to get da kayak back to a safe water level — then burp like a sea lion and pass out. “We see it all da time, sadly”, da captain remarked, “if folks’ would just swat all their beers before they shoved off, things would be so much safer around here.” Da victim, Bob Contois from Trenton, MI was dragged to da shore to dry out and fined $150.

Da Tourist of da Week drawing cage is broken. Okay, it’s not broken, somebody stole it. Probably some Joe tossed it in da fountain for laffs or something so no winner this week. Too bad, too, because we had a sweet prize to give away. We got Kaarl on da blow dryer now. Should be back to normal soon.

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!